Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No good, Very bad day is a great book and very popular in our household.
While reading it to my kids the other night I wondered how it would read if it was written about a whiney mom instead of a whiney kid so I thought I would give it a shot:
My husband and I had too much wine last night and, of-course, the boy woke up at 5 am. He usually wakes up at 8.
The boy and I came quietly downstairs to let the husband and girl sleep. Within 10 minutes he threw his breakfast on the floor to protest something, I spilled my coffee all over the sofa and he threw his toy car at my head while I was changing his diaper.
I think I need stitches.
I could tell it was going to be a Terrible, Horrible, No good, Very bad day.
When the girl woke up, she and the boy had an argument over the ipad. The boy, eager to end the argument took the ipad and, as if in slow motion, threw it on the hard tile of the kitchen floor.
He just stood there victorious, like a football player who just scored the winning touchdown. I was definitely on the losing team.
With the ipad dead, am I now responsible for entertaining the children?
I think I’ll move to Australia. The wine there is very good.
My ipod died while I was running (yes I still use an ipod). I can’t run without music and I was in the zone too. I had to stop running. I’m pretty sure I gained five pounds overnight. How is that even possible?
I went to the dentist for a cleaning and she said I needed a root canal and I should try to schedule it as soon as possible. How much free time do these people think I have?
I said no worries; I will find a new dentist in Australia.
I picked up the girl from school and her homework was a project that no 5 year-old can do. I wish her teachers would stop giving me homework. I want to complain but I’m afraid I’ll get in trouble.
Both kids dumped all their snacks in my car and fought over a stupid old toy that has probably been unnoticed in the car for six months.
At the supermarket the boy threw a full-blown tantrum and everyone was staring and judging. Clearly there were no parents there.
It was a Terrible, Horrible, No good, Very bad day.
At bath time they both acted as if they were possessed, because that is part of EVERY child’s s job description; and they got me soaked and I am cold because I live in Chicago and it has been snowing for months. It doesn’t snow in Australia, right?
At bedtime they wanted to read 3 stories and none of them were stories that I like and were way too long. Apparently they are too old for Goodnight Moon. But I like Goodnight Moon and love the old lady whispering hush. I bet kids in Australia do as well.
After being tormented for what felt like an eternity (or 45 agonizing minutes) I kissed their beautiful faces and came downstairs happy that this terrible, horrible no good very bad day was finally over and opened a bottle of Clarendon Hills –an Australian wine because market research is key before one moves to a new country.
I sighed and told the husband that this was just a terrible, horrible, no good very bad day. He smiled sympathetically.
After I finished my first glass of wine I started looking at the kids’ pictures on my phone – they are pretty cute.
I guess I could take them with me to Australia.